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New Worst Match Ever?

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So the video above is a match between Shelly Martinez and Rebel that aired on a TNA One Night Only PPV sometime last week.

It was taped some time ago, maybe a few months I don’t know with TNA anymore. It’s being hailed as the WORST MATCH EVER, certainly the worst in modern times. Now calling something the worst thing ever leads to a whole can of worms. Is it really the worst or are we just calling it the worst cause we no longer recognize shades of gray in quality? Is this something that’s just cool to hate and it’ll be beloved by a new generation of folks 20 years down the road? Is it because one guy says it’s the worst and we repeat what that person says? All very valid questions and if you watch this match, all very irrelevant. This match is horrible beyond measure and while I hesitate to call it the worst match ever, it absolutely belongs in that conversation!

Now the thing is, how do I convey this match is one of the worst ever especially to a non-wrestling fan? What makes this aggressively horrible instead of just run-of-the-mill bad? Normally there’s little things that subtly alter the match from bad to worse whether it’s just bad crowd or a bad idea or just something bad. This match is gonna be easy, everything is bad. Everything is weak. Everything is screwed up that even non-wrestling fans can see that this wasn’t right. It wasn’t right at all!

So let’s take a look at our wrestlers. In one corner we have Shelly Martinez, someone who’s been around since 2005 most notably in WWECW as Ariel, evil vampire valet of Kevin Thorne. She’s all dressed up like something out of Day of the Dead to honor both her Mexican roots and her deceased grandmother. Also, with has big in the chest region as she is and the type of gear she had one, it’s a miracle that her boobs didn’t go flying out though we get a whole lot of sideboob. And I mean miracle like God himself came down from the heavens to keep her puppies in that dress. In the other corner, we have Rebel Sky some fresh-faced rookie who’s only been wrestling for a year. Rebel is like a band leader or a solider, not sure which but she’s part of Dollhouse group, whatever that is. The winner of this match goes on to be in the main event, a gauntlet match where the winner is Queen of the Knockouts or something.

The match itself, the first half is actually not to horrible in moves. It’s not good but it kinda is somewhat competent. Except for the banter that both girls attempt to have where it’s all “Women be crazy, am I right?” stuff. It does neither girl any favors and their harpy screeches do not endear one to whatever story this match was supposed to showcase. After lots and lots of stalling, the match finally gets underway with a barely competent armdrag done by Shelly to Rebel, then transitions to an armbar which Rebel screams “GET HER OFF!” like Shelly is pulling her arm out of her socket. Then Shelly puts her in like a surfboard, not sure but nothing too egregious yet. Rebel then tries to do a big boot but Shelly catches it and throws the leg forward so Rebel does the splits, apparently that’s painful. Rebel recovers and tries to put the ref between her and Shelly. Shelly gets the ref out of the way and Rebel pokes her in the eyes in the most 80’s heel way possible. She may have gotten a huge neon sign saying I AM CHEATING BY POKING OPPONENT IN EYES!

Then Rebel puts Shelly Martinez in an abdominal stretch, after hilariously struggling for 15 seconds. Now, what came before you could argue it was just your regular bad match. But this is the point where everything just went to hell, quality-wise like a flaming car careening off a cliff Wile E. Coyote style. Then Rebel does something like a schoolboy but really an excuse to spread Shelly’s legs far apart where Shelly has no choice but to say and I quote with 100% accuracy “MY VAG! MY VAG”! Then when the ref asks Shelly “What do you say?” as in “Do you wish to give up!” all Shelly can say and I quote with 100% accuracy “I said my vag hurts!” Mercifully that’s over and Rebel does the old trap your opponent in the corner with your hot sexy long legs which she did in two steps: Raising the foot to the chest, then to the neck. Rebel goes and does some horrible gloating, looking horribly blown up and then tries a handspring elbow or should I say a handspring, a pause to calculate where the elbow should strike then the elbow strike. It’s all for naught as Shelly moves out of the way. Shelly does a couple chops which Rebel sells like being shot in the chest by a shotgun. Then Shelly does some incredibly weak throws to Rebel. Shelly attempts a flying headscissors but HER LEGS MISS THEIR CUE so poor Rebel is caught holding Rebel and spinning around screaming in pain like there are legs around her throat. Shelly hits a below-average DDT and Rebel rolls out the ring.

Then comes the legendary botch. There’s a GIF that Maffew from Botchamania put up which really says it all.

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So to explain what you just seen. Rebel is outside the ring and Shelly Martinez is going to hit a tope, a dive through the ropes. So Shelly runs or I should say briskly walks to the ropes and does the dive but it looks like she stops herself halfway and tangles herself in the ropes! What was supposed to happened, I think, was that before that GIF Rebel was trying to find something under the ring, a weapon of some kind. And I think the plan was that Rebel would hit Shelly with whatever she was going to find underneath the ring. Well, she didn’t but Shelly pretended that part happened anyways. Rebel pushes Shelly back to the ring and gets the pinfall and mercifully it’s over.

Worst match of all time? Maybe, I couldn’t tell you but a lot of smart people think it is. Below is the actual match so see it and judge for yourself.

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Patrick Alexander

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